Hello Again

I keep coming back to this little spot.  It holds some big and sacred feelings.

I am sick and sad today.  Learned that one of my deepest soul longings is to be taken care of.  which calls to mind my huge trust issues and how I am dreadfully uncomfortable with the idea of completely letting go and leaning on someone.  And how very badly I want to be able to do that.

We always wish for what we can't or don't have.  What would we do if we got it?  I would bloom like those tea blossoms in hot water <3 p="p">
How can I bloom and long for something?  Trust trust trust.  sighs.

I took care of myself today.  and that is something.  

A Season For All Things

This seems to be my summer of healing. Not much of a summer, in my mind, but hey the soul wants what it wants. Squirming with feeling all my feelings, aching to deny and avoid, and still allowing for as long as I can take. Then allowing myself to breathe and listen to the music and choose to believe in things I know aren't true anymore, but maybe someday they will be? Came across this from the incomparable Jen Lemen: fits like a glove at the moment.

Letter to myself and everyone else like me, just because.

This is because you have no idea who you are.
This is because you talk too long and feel too much and say too little, and then decide to talk and feel and say a little more because it was too much. This is because you never quite understand the rules and cannot manage to get them clear in your head, let alone in your heart. This is because you try so hard, after you don’t try at all, and never seem to get that none of it was necessary, even from the beginning.

This is because you don’t have enough to do already. This is because you are always doing the things you are not supposed to do. This is because you forget how to feel. This is because you don’t know how to remember. This is because you cannot for one second let yourself be still.

This is because you cannot bear the uncertainty of mystery.
This is because you dream too little.
This is because you should have known better, or at least listened when you knew.
This is because you hate yourself for being difficult and incomprehensible.
This is because you need less sleep and more company.
This is because you always forget that it’s too soon in life to decide.
This is because you get it wrong, when all you wanted to do was get it right.
This is because you can’t make yourself fit in. This is because you don’t always care.

This is because I am exactly like you even when you think no one could possibly be. This is because this lost is what we all are. This is because none of us, after all this–thank God–somehow are not the only ones.

This is because even after all this
you must without question or hesitation
be absolutely seen and loved
just because.

And so must I.

Noticings

I think I really do believe in magic. Really. Inexplicable things happen and I choose magic. I have started feeling better. Is it the meditation? Is it the fish oil with Vit D? I got my tooth fixed? I just don't know exactly. I have just started to feel good. And so everyday I make sure to do one or two things to keep things going good. I am a clearer , less muddied in my thinking, more able to focus. I am ready for this goodness, I deserve this goodness. Bring it ON!

Brand New Me

I have been taking space and saying no. OMG so hard, WTH??? I am officially getting old b/c I keep repeating my own little sayings....I always tell people " I have done this before, why do I have to do this one AGAIN???" Listen...it was hard and I did it and now can I do something easy? Please and Thank you. Yeah...no such luck. Same fucking lesson, new place in the river. Now I am mixing up my own little stories and metaphors.

I find it hard to hold on to myself. I give myself up so incredibly easily it shocks even me. After all this time with myself too. Silly me. Seriously parents......be so very careful what you label your kids b/c a thoughtless offhand comment can haunt some of us forever. I can hear my Mom clear as this room telling me over and over how I only learn the hard way. Almost with pride in her voice, for sure amusement. I am going to officially gently with love in my heart, hand this label back to my Mama who was just doing her best, I know. I refuse this, I am NOT this thing, I learn quickly and easily and with joy. And that is MY truth about MySelf. Still, getting older is not at all how I imagined it. I would do so much different, I hardly know where to begin. AND seriously.....I would do it all again the same to a point. And that is me. Contradictory, indecisive, able to see all sides of an issue and stubborn about allowing it all to be true because I say it is, dammit. MY reality, my truth. Part of getting older is getting selfish, another something my Mama always says.

Nothing left to do but laugh and grow.

Now She Is 9

Another year passes, this one felt interminable. Indigo whispers as she falls asleep..."Mama? I feel different now. I think it is a present from the Goddess." No, my darling girl, you are.

Happy Birth Day

my little faery child, you are still so free, so innocent and pure. openhearted and earnest in your efforts to understand everything around you. Frustration is your enemy and so is your little sister, but you can't get enough time with your big sister. today you are 8 and that just astounds me. clearly as yesterday i remember your big huge brown eyes looking solemnly up at me as you arrived in the world into your daddy's waiting hands. you are truly of his heart and him, yours. And yet, i am your comfort still. we were together every day, you and I. since the beginning. your wiggles and dances and tiny tiny body always moving against me. i love you m ore than i can say, more than i can type, more than words express. you are so unique and such a wonder, how did you come through me into this world of which you don't belong? you are part starlight and heaven, still connected so strongly sometimes you seem ethereal.

thank you for choosing me as your mama and gracing my life with your prescense and wisdom.

Insert your name here

Deb, your "ship" was spotted off the coast this morning, slipping silently through the fog. Coming around the cape, she appeared in a shaft of sunlight and what a sight to see! Glimmering as much as the ocean herself. Massive and beautiful beyond belief. Laden with treasures, happy times, friends, love, and laughter.

This week, though, you must prepare for her arrival. You must make space in your life for her gifts, before she heads back out to sea.
Your first mate always,
The Universe