Noticings

I think I really do believe in magic. Really. Inexplicable things happen and I choose magic. I have started feeling better. Is it the meditation? Is it the fish oil with Vit D? I got my tooth fixed? I just don't know exactly. I have just started to feel good. And so everyday I make sure to do one or two things to keep things going good. I am a clearer , less muddied in my thinking, more able to focus. I am ready for this goodness, I deserve this goodness. Bring it ON!

Brand New Me

I have been taking space and saying no. OMG so hard, WTH??? I am officially getting old b/c I keep repeating my own little sayings....I always tell people " I have done this before, why do I have to do this one AGAIN???" Listen...it was hard and I did it and now can I do something easy? Please and Thank you. Yeah...no such luck. Same fucking lesson, new place in the river. Now I am mixing up my own little stories and metaphors.

I find it hard to hold on to myself. I give myself up so incredibly easily it shocks even me. After all this time with myself too. Silly me. Seriously parents......be so very careful what you label your kids b/c a thoughtless offhand comment can haunt some of us forever. I can hear my Mom clear as this room telling me over and over how I only learn the hard way. Almost with pride in her voice, for sure amusement. I am going to officially gently with love in my heart, hand this label back to my Mama who was just doing her best, I know. I refuse this, I am NOT this thing, I learn quickly and easily and with joy. And that is MY truth about MySelf. Still, getting older is not at all how I imagined it. I would do so much different, I hardly know where to begin. AND seriously.....I would do it all again the same to a point. And that is me. Contradictory, indecisive, able to see all sides of an issue and stubborn about allowing it all to be true because I say it is, dammit. MY reality, my truth. Part of getting older is getting selfish, another something my Mama always says.

Nothing left to do but laugh and grow.

Now She Is 9

Another year passes, this one felt interminable. Indigo whispers as she falls asleep..."Mama? I feel different now. I think it is a present from the Goddess." No, my darling girl, you are.

Happy Birth Day

my little faery child, you are still so free, so innocent and pure. openhearted and earnest in your efforts to understand everything around you. Frustration is your enemy and so is your little sister, but you can't get enough time with your big sister. today you are 8 and that just astounds me. clearly as yesterday i remember your big huge brown eyes looking solemnly up at me as you arrived in the world into your daddy's waiting hands. you are truly of his heart and him, yours. And yet, i am your comfort still. we were together every day, you and I. since the beginning. your wiggles and dances and tiny tiny body always moving against me. i love you m ore than i can say, more than i can type, more than words express. you are so unique and such a wonder, how did you come through me into this world of which you don't belong? you are part starlight and heaven, still connected so strongly sometimes you seem ethereal.

thank you for choosing me as your mama and gracing my life with your prescense and wisdom.

Insert your name here

Deb, your "ship" was spotted off the coast this morning, slipping silently through the fog. Coming around the cape, she appeared in a shaft of sunlight and what a sight to see! Glimmering as much as the ocean herself. Massive and beautiful beyond belief. Laden with treasures, happy times, friends, love, and laughter.

This week, though, you must prepare for her arrival. You must make space in your life for her gifts, before she heads back out to sea.
Your first mate always,
The Universe

Seeing The Light

A long absence from this place to heal and grow. I share with you what I learned am thankful for during this time of grieving:

Doggies and kitties have extraordinary healing powers.

So do 4 yr olds and 17 yr olds.

Husbands CAN rise to the occasion and in just the right moment say exactly the right things.

Candles and lovely blogger friends work for every occasion, even grieving.

Sleep is more healing than we think and of course, so is crying as much and as often as we think we need to.

Asking for help, helps :)

Meds are not a bad thing. They pulled me out quickly so I could deal with my real feelings.

Pirate lamps are truly awesome, esp when left by your Daddy who never left the 70's

A loved one dying is a Universe opening experience. This is my first one. I wish it could be my last.

Say it NOW....and often, whatever it is that someone means to you.

How Do You Prepare For Death

I gather lavendar essential oils and music, songs that invoke my childhood with my Daddy.

I remember his hands playing the banjo and singing old folk songs together. I remember his hands on the steering wheel driving, always driving. My Dad was a big proponent of Sunday Drives Out In The Country. BoOoooooring when you are 9 or 10 or 13. But now, I get it. Now they are memories of music always music playing soundtracks to our trips. I give these back to him now, as his soul departs to the freedom and peace of what lies beyond.

I am there to make sure someone touches him at least once without hurting him these last days. To help him shed his body with ease amid whispers of love and memories. Please Goddess, let it be painless and peaceful. He has lived with so much pain and heartache, let it all be over as he moves onto the next journey. Grant me the grace and strength to let him go.

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my soul to keep
If I should die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take.