I have been taking space and saying no. OMG so hard, WTH??? I am officially getting old b/c I keep repeating my own little sayings....I always tell people " I have done this before, why do I have to do this one AGAIN???" Listen...it was hard and I did it and now can I do something easy? Please and Thank you. Yeah...no such luck. Same fucking lesson, new place in the river. Now I am mixing up my own little stories and metaphors.
I find it hard to hold on to myself. I give myself up so incredibly easily it shocks even me. After all this time with myself too. Silly me. Seriously parents......be so very careful what you label your kids b/c a thoughtless offhand comment can haunt some of us forever. I can hear my Mom clear as this room telling me over and over how I only learn the hard way. Almost with pride in her voice, for sure amusement. I am going to officially gently with love in my heart, hand this label back to my Mama who was just doing her best, I know. I refuse this, I am NOT this thing, I learn quickly and easily and with joy. And that is MY truth about MySelf. Still, getting older is not at all how I imagined it. I would do so much different, I hardly know where to begin. AND seriously.....I would do it all again the same to a point. And that is me. Contradictory, indecisive, able to see all sides of an issue and stubborn about allowing it all to be true because I say it is, dammit. MY reality, my truth. Part of getting older is getting selfish, another something my Mama always says.
Nothing left to do but laugh and grow.
