Noticings

I think I really do believe in magic. Really. Inexplicable things happen and I choose magic. I have started feeling better. Is it the meditation? Is it the fish oil with Vit D? I got my tooth fixed? I just don't know exactly. I have just started to feel good. And so everyday I make sure to do one or two things to keep things going good. I am a clearer , less muddied in my thinking, more able to focus. I am ready for this goodness, I deserve this goodness. Bring it ON!

Brand New Me

I have been taking space and saying no. OMG so hard, WTH??? I am officially getting old b/c I keep repeating my own little sayings....I always tell people " I have done this before, why do I have to do this one AGAIN???" Listen...it was hard and I did it and now can I do something easy? Please and Thank you. Yeah...no such luck. Same fucking lesson, new place in the river. Now I am mixing up my own little stories and metaphors.

I find it hard to hold on to myself. I give myself up so incredibly easily it shocks even me. After all this time with myself too. Silly me. Seriously parents......be so very careful what you label your kids b/c a thoughtless offhand comment can haunt some of us forever. I can hear my Mom clear as this room telling me over and over how I only learn the hard way. Almost with pride in her voice, for sure amusement. I am going to officially gently with love in my heart, hand this label back to my Mama who was just doing her best, I know. I refuse this, I am NOT this thing, I learn quickly and easily and with joy. And that is MY truth about MySelf. Still, getting older is not at all how I imagined it. I would do so much different, I hardly know where to begin. AND seriously.....I would do it all again the same to a point. And that is me. Contradictory, indecisive, able to see all sides of an issue and stubborn about allowing it all to be true because I say it is, dammit. MY reality, my truth. Part of getting older is getting selfish, another something my Mama always says.

Nothing left to do but laugh and grow.

Now She Is 9

Another year passes, this one felt interminable. Indigo whispers as she falls asleep..."Mama? I feel different now. I think it is a present from the Goddess." No, my darling girl, you are.